Don't Let Your Demons Raise Your Children

1 ANSWERS

1. Saba
   

   1. Take a chill pill.
   The first bit of advice comes from Debbie Mandel, M.A., author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life (Wiley, 2008). Her basic message to parents: Chill out. "When parents don't manage their small stressors which accumulate during the day, they grow irritable, depleted and negative. Whatever you say or do, a child is absorbing your mood."
   Of course, this begs the question, "What if you're kids are your small stressors?" But I digress. Mandel's point certainly strikes a chord. My kid definitely picked up on my mood during the above mentioned diaper-rash incident. In the future, I will do what I must to relax. My new mantra: more yoga, less yelling.
   
   'Sorry, my bad.' (Be honest when you s***w up.)
   When you say or do something regrettable, own up to it. "Parents are going to get angry in a way that they wish they didn't, or punish them [kids] a way that doesn't fit the crime," says Robin Goodman, Ph.D., psychologist in private practice and director of A Caring Hand: The Billy Esposito Bereavement Center, in New York City. "There's nothing like admitting that you're not perfect."
   You can even take the honesty-is-the-best-policy strategy a step further. Julie Mains, a Seattle-area mother and professional musician, says, "I noticed my 8-year-old had started cracking her knuckles, and now we're quitting it together."
   
   Hey, that's not a toy. That belongs to Mommy.' (Keep your adult things private.)
   Of course, there are those things to which children should never be exposed. Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Money, s*x and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media, 2008), says, "If you go out and drink too much, the kids should not know you have a hangover, just that you don't feel well. If you're a dating single parent, your kids don't need to hear the gory details. You're 'going out with a friend' is sufficient."
   
   Opposites attack. (Avoid overcorrecting for how you were raised.)
   This is definitely an area in which I must be careful. Growing up, I wanted to own a pet store that dealt exclusively in Siamese kittens. My father wanted me to be an engineer. And I guess you can call our battle of wills a draw, since I became neither. Who knows? If I'd been encouraged to follow my dream, I might have revolutionized the Siamese-cat industry.
   According to New York psychotherapist Dana Dorfman, if I were to respond by vowing to do the complete opposite of my father, it could be a mistake. "When a parent tries to 'undo' that which had been done to her, she may find herself going to the other extreme," she says.
   Dorfman goes on to say that parents need to grow up and not let the scars from their childhood affect their parenting. Failing to do so indicates "that the behavior remains largely predicated on one's childhood, rather than an adult choice about rearing the child."
   Besides, if I give my kids too much freedom, it could very well breed a lifetime of resentment for not providing enough structure and guidance.
   
   Mirror, mirror on the flaw. (Face your demons.)
   There's one final tactic for keeping your flaws from fumbling up your family, according to Tessina. She says, "The best way to not pass on your demons is to face them and work through them. If you have an addiction, a bad health habit, or problems getting along, get help and work it out, so you don't pass it on to your kids. Demons can be banished with some expert guidance."
   And facing one's demons isn't all about big problems. Pamela Lewis, a Walnut Creek, Calif., mother, found that having a child inspired her to be less of a slob. "When I was pregnant with my first child, I started making the bed every day."

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