The teenage years can prove to be some of the most challenging for those going through it as well as their parents. Parents face the challenge of attempting to be a loving and fair parents while facing the need to discipline and teach life skills that aid a child as they mature and become the people they are destined to be.
Lying is a major problem many parents face with children particularly teenagers. This is due to the fact that these are the years where people try things - be they in terms of relationships, physical relations, or drugs and alcohol. This in concert with parents' concern can create a situation where teens form the habit and pattern of lying for these things and subsequently a lot of other small things like homework and cleaning their room.
It is important as a parent to not take lies personally, which may be your most challenging task. Taking lies personally leads to emotions becoming involved and therefore likely to make things worse than better. In looking for inspiration, I stumbled upon an excellent write up from Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, who is a psychologist, personal coach, executive coach and motivational speaker in the greater Philadelphia area.
He lists the following four suggestions here on Psychology Today - http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201301/encouraging-your-teen-stop-lying-you
"Four Strategies to Help Your Teen Resist Lying:
1) Try to keep in mind that kids can be quite self-absorbed (can't we also be as adults too?) and they often don't understand how hurtful lies can be. Calmly discuss versus lecture about honesty and dishonesty, and why they chose to lie. Do not use a judgmental tone, as it just usually fuels the "See I can't tell my parents anything" reflex from preteens and teens. You may not be able to stop your teen from creating those every day lies, but you can convey that there are other options available.
2) I suggest that you think of yourself as an "emotion coach" versus over the top disciplinarian out to show who is boss. Talk about how telling the truth can feel scary and how we can all feel scared and that it's okay. Share how calming down and solving problems are the keys for a successful life. Relate how lies can give the tempting illusion of calm and avoiding problems (e.g. homework not completed) but in the long run lies just create stress and emotional chaos.
3) If you feel that your child is making lies a "go to" way to cope then acknowledge this observation.Talk about the problems they face as a consequence of lying but don't use shaming tones as you speak. Join with your child about his fears. For example, does he believe that saying something dishonest helps him fit in?
4) Remember, above all, to help your child see her value. I often remind my own children and my clients about KYV (Know Your Value). In fact, I wrote a past blog on this very topic. For example, if your child is exaggerating a story, you might ask, "What you were telling me really held my interest, but then it seemed like you started to add things to it that weren't true. That got in the way of seeing how you really are becoming so mature. Can you tell me why you decided to do that?"
Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201301/encouraging-your-teen-stop-lying-you
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